Dear Larry,

You failed to invite me to beta test your new phone way back when. I was forgiving.

You failed to invite me to beta test your cloud computer, the CR-48. I was forgiving.

However, you failed to invite me to beta test your Google+ social network site. I am not forgiving.

Please rectify. You will find all the appropriate documents you are looking for under a bench in Palo Alto, marked “Discretionary funds”, as well as a small, generous “donation” to your global domination cause.

Sincerely,

Evil World Overlord-in-training

P.S. I’m tired of reading about how John Scalzi gets all the cool sh*t all the time. Hook a brother up, man.